I was talking to Resh this morning about love. And I asked her what do we do in the meantime once we've let go of things and people not meant for us, yet wait for those that are? Her response was, "In the meantime...me." and I am not sure if she meant me as in her, meaning ruminations over the labyrinth that is love with friends like her, or if she meant me as in choosing to focus on the self. But I liked her answer. Both of them. I accidentally got to hear part of a sermon from Joel Osteen last night about second winds. He said a lot, but the part I'm remembering now is that we cannot think of the next 20 years because its overwhelming and we will be more inclined to give up at the thought of the great mountain that lie ahead. Instead, he offered, focus on right now--the next step and then the next, etc. And eventually we will get through the next 20 years but only one step at a time.

This lesson has been repeated to me lately. Joel, and Resh, and every one who talks of major fitness transformation. One day at a time, one meal at a time, that's how the big victories come. I told myself recently I wanted to begin each morning with setting an intention for the day. Asking of the world and also laying out my offering, for example today I would like the courage to begin and in return I offer grace and kindness to this novice, me. 

When I think about love I think of all the things I could have done better and all the ways I could have been better. But I have to forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now. Once I got it, I tell myself, I did something about it. Being afraid to make a mistake will leave me paralyzed. Fear of hurt suggests a weakness that I don't like to associate myself with. I do not like to consider that I could be defeated by anything, especially my own expectations of a man. All I have is my truth. My belief that almost and kind-of are not good enough. My belief that I have something beautiful to offer and I will give it, even to those who are undeserving. My knowing that in love I have to accept as much as I give or I will be depleted. My understanding that the only limits that exist are the ones I assign, and there's nothing like love to make you believe in the "impossible."

Maybe its the illusion we all need in order to live beyond our own comfort zone. We think its the other being who gives us strength or courage or...magic, but it is only a beautiful illusion. We were always those strong, courageous, magical people we just didn't know it.

I think about divorce...and how people say they just weren't happy anymore. Or maybe they never were, but don't you know? We always know. But the truth of knowing I have neglected myself is a harder pill to swallow than my partner has neglected me. And so we part only to find no more peace in solace than there was before.

Maybe people split for the in between time. Because the noise of the relationship keeps them from hearing their own needs clearly. Just like a break up, when its over everything gets almost unbearably loud but its just your own thoughts echoing across your own cavernous mind. Its as if the universe is answering, In the meantime...me.