Admittedly, I am a brat. I do not like when things don't go my way and do not work on my timeline. It literally drives me crazy. My life work is to remember I am not in control, and while I know it I still have to fight this battle daily. It is why my favorite scripture is Ecclesiastes 3:1-- to everything there is a season and time to every purpose under heaven. Season, time, purpose. I am still dealing with the loss of P2AD from my life. I went through a period of looking for anything to get me numb enough not to feel the hurt or the anger, but now I've grown tired and I'm still hurting and I still miss him. I finally just had to admit it. Say it out loud and say it to him, though it fell on deaf ears. I wonder if whatever is keeping him from being present stops him from him thinking of me? I do not think I am easily forgotten. Especially not after half a lifetime. I wish I could understand what makes someone just let go. More than that, I wish I could forget how he smelled. Smiled. Held me. Kissed me. Said he loved me. I can't though. Season, time and purpose. And maybe ours had run its course, I don't see it rebounding I couldn't go through it again. Or maybe I could, but I won't.

There have been other losses too. None as significant as the hole he left but all to the same vast matter of silence. Silence has pulled so many things and people this year (yes just in these six weeks) and this morning I thought, maybe none of this is working out because God has other plans for me?

I read a story this week about the worlds quietest room. It measures at -9 decibels and it drives people insane, the longest anyone has ever been able to stay in there was one hour because it's so quiet you can literally hear your blood course through your veins. I read that article and thought, "I know that room and I've been in it for six weeks." And while I've been searching for a reason to understand where the noise went I have been ignoring the sound of my own process, my own body at work. Season time and purpose. What is the purpose for this time in my life being so incredibly silent? What is it that I am meant to be hearing?

One thing I can say is that, throughout all this I feel so much different than I have in the past. I am not taking it too personally, I am not berating myself, I am not owning the actions of others in behalf of my flaws. Nor am I apologetic in my feelings. I do not regret or wish I'd never said or done anything I said or did. I have been acting from a place of serious intention and I am peace with myself in that respect. It is why I am certain that if it's not working out, it's because it was never meant to.

It makes me two things. The first is excited because while all these men, and opportunities I've missed were amazing, how much more amazing is the man and the plan God has for me?! The second is something I can't name. But it is the feeling you feel when you realize you're going to have to wait, even though you already knew that. When I bought myself my time ring I did so to remember that I serve the author of time and to remember to slow down and be patient. I knew I was going to have to wait. I've been trying to learn how to wait for four years now. And my pouting won't help. Not one bit. Trust me I've tried. Season time and purpose.

Side thought...maybe the things I want and the things I've been coveting are dissonant. I realize the loss created a need for feeling all the things I was left questioning. Wanted, namely. And so a desire to be wanted entirely (as in partnership) and the coveted to feel wanted physically (as in all the tangible ways) is just like water for chocolate. Actually, it's exactly like that.

Damn.