Right before you give up, there is the moment you have with yourself where you're talking feverishly about pushing through or quitting. You weigh the worth of finishing against the feeling of winning and this through the aches and pains of the battle. You consider earnestly whether finishing is still part of your plan, or if mile 24 is good enough? 

I still remember riding to LA with my friend Nick. He was driving me up from San Diego because I had a flight out late that evening headed to Bali. We talked openly and honestly about the mindfuck that is dating. I revealed,  I always feel like a bit of an asshole screening for things like education. Because I truly don't believe that formal education is a sign of intelligence. And it's weird enough when I tell people what I'm doing in San Diego, they automatically think 'too good'  for them. Their words, not mine. I have an issue with saying I'm better than...   

Nick's advice, in short, was to get over it and fast. He has a beautifully diplomatic and compassionate way of saying everything, even in private company. Though on this particular day, he skirted the pleasentaries and opted for brutal honesty. Bitch,  (maybe, I'm imagining he started with my personal favorite greeting bitch comma, or maybe he actually did. Either way in my historical account of said conversation, there was a bitch comma. You ARE better and there is nothing wrong with saying it, in fact you must. What Nick was trying to impress upon me was a mindset that I think comes much more effortlessly for men; it is discernment. Not to make this a feminist tirade, because let's be honest even the most woke feminist gets tired of fighting, but so often women are made to feel bad for not considering every suitor. This is not just in romantic relationships. This translates everywhere. And what's worse, is the feeling that you are wrong for not taking serious that which you KNOW is not meant for you. It inherently teaches women that we do not know what is best for us and not to rely on our own intuition. 

Because everyone around me knows I'm currently looking for a job, I get sent job postings daily. Not all of them are good fits, but I appreciate the effort always. Recently I have gotten a slew of "coordinator" positions and while there is nothing wrong with this level of work, I simply have a capacity greater than the coordinator level allows. Still, I had someone ask me, "isn't it time to just take anything?" I cringed at the thought. Then, despite myself, I considered it. 

OMG you've been unemployed for months now, maybe a coordinator level gig isn't too bad? Just to get your foot in the door?  

Didn't you discuss your frustrations about a lack of authority, autonomy, and challenge in your last role as a coordinator? Didn't you and your supervisor agree that you were more than ready to be at a higher level of work ?  

But wait, shouldn't you just apply to everything and see what happens? Isn't that the best way to get a job?  

 There is no best way to get a job, and despite people's tips, tricks and tactics, no one can guarantee anything when it comes to employment in higher education. Plus, what if you do get an offer for a coordinator position? Are you ready to accept that which you know isn't for you?  

Its temporary! I can do anything for a little while, right?  

 Is that the version of yourself you want to be? One that settles because of impatience and uncertainty. 

The conversation I have with myself goes on and on ad infinitum. Only, prior to right now in my life, the voice of doubt would have won. The voice telling me I can do anything for a little while, and to settle for a job, any job, just to say I have a job because the growing discomfort of unemployment has become too much. However, I am a different woman now. Much more sure of myself but also in my faith and belief that there is a rainbow in the clouds for me even if I can't see it right now. 

I applied for an AVP position. A friend of mine remarked, "that's a BIG job." I winced. It cut straight to my biggest insecurity that perhaps these positions are beyond me, and that perhaps I overestimate my ability. That since I have not gotten so much as a phone interview, that maybe I am not as qualified as I believe myself to be. Maybe I'm not as good, as sharp, as productive, as transformative, as valuable. Maybe I am not worth a six-figure salary. Maybe I am not supposed to be in charge. Maybe, that is a load of utter and complete bullshit. I snapped to my senses quickly and told my friend, "Well, I'm a big kid and I'm qualified." She wished me luck, and I smiled at my audacity. Then, I had a sit down with myself.  

There are still things to work towards in your professional career, you are nowhere near your peak, and you have a long way to go before your greatest professional accomplishment. That said, right now at this moment, that position is not beyond you. You CAN do that work. You know what it means to produce work seen by the President and Provosts of a university. You have the chops and the charisma to thrive in a position that requires you to be the voice of a department. You have the compassion and conviction to use data in a way that services students and works towards equity for all rather than the status quo. You can do this work, all you need is one call. Trust that every place that has notcalled you was not for you. Trust that God knows what you need and you cannot accept it unless your arms are open and empty. You have to be patient, but you have to be ready.  

My mind wandered over to him. The only him that mattered as of late. How, in many ways, he was exactly the type of man I used to pray for: intelligent (cognitively and emotionally), witty, fun-loving, considerate, spiritual, loving, strong, curious, the list goes on. Still, he was like a cake warm from the oven perfectly risen, a testament to the right mix of ingredients. I decided two weeks in that, even if he and I went nowhere, his presence in my life upped the bar for every suitor that may follow. I smile fondly when my mind skims over all the men, and the woman, I have loved in romantic relationships. I still love them all, because they were genuinely amazing people who introduced me to the best parts of myself. And with each of them I waited. They came at exactly the right moment, completely unexpectedly and did not require me to settle or temporarily sacrifice part of myself for their company. In each relationship, I met the moment.  

This job search will be no different. In fact, nothing I align myself with will be any different. I will wait on God. I will wait on what feels right and is undeniably meant. I will politely decline invitations to appraise my self below my value. Below...above...these phrases turn my stomach. Still feeling the pull to prove my humility by settling. See, I don't require much! I'm easy! But that is a lie. I am not easy in any meaning of the word. I am complex and abstract; a variable house of paradox and contradiction. I require high levels of stimulation. I need to be challenged. I need to be pushed outside my comfort zone. I need blank pages to sketch draw and scribble out the next chapters of my life. And there is nothing wrong with that. 

So in that moment when my lungs burn, my legs ache and my body tells me you're done. Quit. You've done well enough. I leave it to the twisted mess of a beautiful being inside me to say, not-so-fast! I didn't come all this way not to finish. I leave it to her to push me through the discomfort of pain to the victory of achievement. See it through. I didn't get this degree for nothing. I'm ready, and I'm not going home with a penny less than everything I deserve.