COMMITMENT

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with commitment. It is inexplicably difficult for me to commit to someone and something and downright impossible unless my whole heart is in it. I used to think that it was because of my trust issues. I lived, basically, always waiting for the other shoe to drop for most of my teens and twenties. I rolled out a red carpet for disappointment, and she showed out every single time. As I got older, I realized that whatever you set the table for will show up for dinner. It was not that everything was so disappointing, but more so that is what my heart, eyes, and ears were attuned to. I was missing the forest for the trees. 

Now, I have a healthier relationship with presence which helps me to ebb expectation and thus my proclivity to sniff out disappointment. It is a much happier existence but it has not increased my desire to commit. I remember the morning I woke up from a dream. I'd dreamt that my then girlfriend was introducing me to her new partner. We were having dinner, and we were laughing and I left the meal giving my most sincere blessing for their happiness. When I woke up, I could not shake the dream and the certainty that she and I were not going to be together forever. In fact, we did not make it through the end of that month. I tried to explain how, the absence of "happily ever after" did not make me love her less, but I could feel the joy draining from our twosome from that day forward until eventually we had split from We to she and I. The more she tried to convince me it was just a dream and we could work, the more I fought against the notion and grew more apt to believe the premonition set a certain course in motion. Only time will tell who was right. 

The first time I talked on the phone with my first love, we talked all night. Throughout the course of our courtship, there were many nights that turned to mornings, phone hot from overuse and voice dry and raspy. Still, there has never been anyone who could make me laugh think and laugh again like he did. One morning while I was in college, he was in LA and had just dropped out in pursuit of other dreams, he called me and said right away why are you so afraid of love? Only he could have asked me that question and spurred genuine thought. I don't remember what my answer was, but upon talking to him a few days ago, I remembered the instance and admitted how deeply in love with him I was at that time. He told me he had no idea and honestly? I believe him. Perhaps I played it a little too cool? He and I remain a huge unanswered question and even though I know we still love each other, we both know the time has long passed to try our hand at commitment. The love is there, the trust is there, but still...hesitation. I plagued myself with solving the riddle. 

The longest, physically intimate relationship I've had was with a friend that I was never committed to. He and I filled lots of voids for one another over the course of our friendship and the one time we called ourselves going on a date, we had fun but both acknowledged that the timing wasn't right and we were not apt to force it. Still, we continued to trade orgasms and sarcastic remarks, I cared for him when he was sick and he helped me out around the house whenever "manly deeds" were necessary. Nothing serious, but something steady. This morning I woke up missing him, so I texted. Told him I wanted him to visit me and that I was serious about it. I tried to ask myself if my wanting him meant anything more than that. If it was emotional or spiritual or if I simply missed the man who had been there for me the past few years of my life? I couldn't tell and I did not spend too much time debating the idea. I simply settled on the fact that I wanted to lay on his chest and fall asleep. I wasn't concerned about forever but that's what I wanted right now. 

I thought about the fact that my job came with a 10-month contract jut like faculty. No surprise, it was a faculty-run center on a campus whose summers were quiet. My eyes lit up at the opportunity to have two months off just to be (free). In my head, I was already spending them in Jamaica. I wondered how many times a year I could go there, be there, before I got tired of it? Maybe, I thought, I'll go there for only a month and spend a month traveling to other places? I frowned at the thought. No. I wanted JA. Home. The only place I'd ever visited I never ever got sick of. It felt like home even though I didn't really have any ties to the tiny island. I just knew I wanted to take everyone I loved there so I they could fall in love with it like I had. 

I told myself, just now, that maybe that's the best thing to commit to. Feelings, and more specifically, love. It's why I am friends with all my exes, because while I might bail on the commitment to the person and the relationship, I never flake on love. Atlanta will always be my favorite girl, and JA will always be my soul mate. And when the time comes that I find myself missing a person as much as I miss the love we used to share? Maybe then I'll rethink my stance on the whole thing.