I claimed it before I knew what it was. I wanted to live a love-based life when I made the internal proclamation, all I knew was how many things I'd denied myself due to fear. How many opportunities I'd let pass me by, or how comfortably I slipped into sloth-like apathy because I was too intimidated by failure to just try. I did not like the person I was when I bowed, regretfully, to fear. So when I said from now own I was living a love based life, it was in direct response to the scared and timid version of myself I'd become. 

I cut my hair. Without consult or conversation with my usual round table of advisors; friends I've come to lean on during big life transitions. Before I debuted my hair, I braced myself for opinions and assumptions that would be made about me. I prepared responses to "why" and tried to remind myself how much I loved my new hair...or lack there of. Still when the inquiries came, more and more I found myself wanting to end the conversation quickly, frustrated at the need to explain myself.  

The same sort of resentment crept up as I contemplated a new transition and new truth that I was sure of: I want to move back to California. Knowing all my reasons, for some, would never be convincing enough, I racked my brain for more substantial rationale to help me make my case. It wasn't until last night that I realized how much importance I was placing on the opinions and assessments of others that it was keeping me from being completely honest with myself. 

I was ashamed to admit I want to go back because I feared being seen as indecisive or confused. I feared people thinking me irresponsible (always at the core of a trigger). I feared people thinking I was unstable and disloyal. It wasn't like I'd moved to middle of nowhere, USA. I was in my hometown of Atlanta. I was surrounded by family and long-time friends. I had a job I liked at a university I was fond of. Would I be seen as ungrateful too?  

I twisted my fingers up, a tell for when I was about to have an anxiety attack. As the fluster rushed through my body, I realized that not one of my fears was about me or my joy, why was I so concerned with what other people thought of me? My heart sank. In this moment, I was not living up to the expectations I'd set for myself. Expectations to be free honest and congruent. Freedom, I reminded myself, means taking radical responsibility for your self and your choices. 

I couldn't claim to be free if I was allowing myself to be limited by the ideas others had of me, nor the thoughts I believed others had of me. No, instead, I wanted to be radical in my unconditional acceptance of myself. I wanted to be at peace with the parts of me that are apathetic or lazy or irresponsible or confused. I wanted to be comforted knowing that if I moved back and it didn't work out, that I'd followed my heart and my gut. I wanted to trust that though well-meaning, no one could tell me what was right for me and my life. Most of all I wanted to stop straining my ear for voices of approval that were outside of my own being. I desperately need to learn how to truly and authentically affirm myself so that my choices were not debatable. 

Im feeling the need to draw Inward. To quiet everything so that I may clearly hear the voice of God within me. To act when I was called not uncomfortable. To live in such a way that reflects my belief that the universe is conspiring on my behalf, while knowing that I still have to meet it halfway. I'm looking into my own eyes and asking whether or not I'm the woman I want to be. And then I'm having the courage to become her. To trust myself. To affirm that I am capable of charting my path and captaining my life. To believe that love is a more powerful force than fear and by my commitment to a love based life, I was walking in the truth of my spiritual beliefs.  For me, love-based living is about trust that listening to myself is the right thing to do  Its about developing and trusting an internal GPS and having confidence as you walking in the direction of your dreams  It is about losing comparison and expectation and embracing the unknown; as long as you have your self and your ability to get quiet you're going to be okay and know exactly what to do. Centering my life around love is my way of giving myself permission to believe I am whole and enough without condition or exception. There's no other shoe and there's no rug underneath waiting to upend me. 

So I guess if anyone asked me at this second why I wanted to move back to San Diego, I would tell them: Because. And allow that one word to speak all the ones that our language capture. Because the spirit moved me. Because I couldn't not. Because I missed the beach. Because I need the ocean. Because it fits the version of me I want to be. Because. Because. Because.