It’s been three years since I earned my PhD—Doctorate of Philosophy in Leadership from the University of San Diego, the F I R S T leadership studies program in the nation. I never thought that they bragged about that enough. In the space and time between now and April 20, 2016 (the day of my dissertation defense) I feel as though I am just now beginning to see the brilliance of my work and appreciate the awesomeness of my entire doctoral journey.

Graduation was hard, I was sad and it kicked off a whirlwind of emotions that all felt like a Sam Smith song, aka depressing. I wrote in depth about those feelings here, but to summarize: It was like all the light and happiness from this momentous occasion was hidden just behind a curtain and I couldn’t seem to just reach it…it was just out of fingertips grasp.

That was the absolute truth. Then, to follow it up, unemployment after relocating to Atlanta to be closer to family after my dad got sick? It was way harder than I anticipated, and only added to my PTSD symptoms, commencing PhD PTSD which, no surprise, I also wrote about…here.

Then my dad died, and I knew if I didn’t take the time to stare all of this stuff in the face right now as it was happening, it was going to swallow me whole. So I moved to Minnesota and started intensive therapy to heal. I believe all of that lead me to where I am right now, in a place of awe at my journey.

Sixteen year old Jessica would have never even dreamed it! I got to study, travel the world, and research my own becoming for nearly a decade through both my graduate programs. A practice I’m committed to maintaining post-grad. But wow, the time that I had to study and train, was beautiful.

I can look at my dissertation work and think WOW, you DESIGNED A STUDY, defended that design, defended the relevance, RAN THE STUDY, interrogated your data which included your own experience, concluded major findings, defended them and not just earned your PhD, you SHIFTED CONSCIOUSNESS!

I don’t think I have ever talked about my research on this blog, but in a nutshell here we go. I studied women who identified as F A T and hypothesized that I could create an environment that would authentically bond us, reduce shame around our identities, and empower us to increase our capacity to lead. I still talk to my research participants, and I see how deeply they have stepped into themselves. It wasn’t all because of my group, but my group was a space where they, we, felt affirmed and supported and it helped.

My work taught me that who you are is largely colored by who you believe yourself to be. If we had only seen FAT or WOMAN as negatives, then how were we ever going to make positive change? In fact, another finding was that when we subscribe to negative beliefs about identities we hold, we RECREATE oppressive systems. In other words, we are actively fucking our own shit up, by not believing in ourselves. That is what I mean by shifting consciousness. In order to see something different, we have to believe something different, not only in the world but within ourselves!

I love the complexity of my work. I love the constellation data analysis that allowed me to see just how many different areas of study my work is relevant to. I love thinking that one day, the findings will be lifted to look at how we can integrate authentic connection, and shame reduction into more spaces to create pipelines to leadership.

Recently, as I’ve begun to bask in my “I did that”ness, I’ve also been wondering what I will do next? Do I want a big fancy job with lots of responsibility? Do I want to focus on finding love and starting a family? Do I want to move back to California? Atlanta? Do I want to go back to being vegetarian?

All these questions fly at me daily and lately, I’ve just let them fly opting to answer them with silence. I’m waiting to be pulled. I’m waiting for the thing that lights me on fire and I can’t stop thinking about. I’m sitting still-ish and I’m trying to allow the plan to unfold rather than force the process. I am tasting my words, chewing my syllables and truly savoring the present moment. I can’t think about what six months from now will look like—I think that’s a byproduct of cancer, you never plan too far ahead and keep up with what’s right here in front of you. What I know for sure, is that I’d bet it all on myself.

I look at all I’ve been through, and all I have been able to accomplish in the face of every obstacle that came my way. I look at me, now, and I think how amazing and resilient I am. I think how intelligent and curious I am. I think how engaging and charismatic I am. I love who I have becoming and who I am becoming. I am proud of myself, because of what I have accomplished, yes…but more so that throughout all of it, I was able to keep hold of myself and come out on the other side in tact, whole, and at peace. That’s the only thing I am sure of, for my future: I refuse to ever sacrifice my peace. I’m really proud of my character, and that’s not a compliment I would even have thought to give myself five years ago, but now it feels like the most important thing. Can you look yourself in the mirror and be proud of that human for who they are when nobody is watching? When the gram can’t like it? When times are hard and there isn’t much to give? Who are you then…and are you proud of that person? I am, and that’s such a dope place to be in.