Spoiler Alert: We are always in transition

Sometimes I find myself nostalgic for this mythical life plateau where I finally feel together. I remember having some artifice of it in graduate school. I remember being completely debt free and going to buy my first car with only $35k in income but a credit score in the high 700s. It wasn’t perfect. I was still awaiting the days of a real salary when I could invest in my passions of art and travel. But, I remember being grateful for the place I was in. Grateful that bill collectors were not calling my phone. Grateful that if I needed lines of credit in case of emergency, I could help myself in that way.

Then

In what feels like a series of unfortunate events right after another it all unraveled. Everything I had, I lost. For a long time, I’ve been unable to be fully present because I was so caught up in what had gone. I was grieving, big time. I could not make sense of what I had done wrong, or what I could differently to undo what had been done. In short, I had not accepted my new reality.

It wasn’t until recently that I was journaling and realized I had been unemployed for over six months. How on earth had I managed to survive that long with no income?! Friends, to be honest. Not that family hasn’t supportive as well, but since my family has also been going through a major transition, I tap that resource sparingly. In talking with a friend recently, she casually remarked on timing. She said:

Sometimes you’re the giver, sometimes you’re the gift and sometimes my dear, you take the gift and say thank you.

I’d heard similar sentiments before, about giving and receiving but it was the added “sometimes you’re the gift” that made me think long and hard. I processed with her more, “despite all things, I do try and continue to be a good friend. I hope people don’t think that’s because I want something. That’s always a fear, that my vulnerability is somehow manipulative or creates an expectation.” She snapped back “who told you that? Did I tell you that? You give every time you ask how I am. Or how my family is. You give when you help me not kill my coworkers. You give when you tell me another ridiculous story of your sexcapdes. You give the thing you have to give at the time and that’s yourself. Right now I have the money, so all it is, it’s me saying thank you for all the ways you have given love to me, here, I love you too.”

I cried. I cried because it eased so much of the fears I have about friends and money. I cried because it let me know I was loved and that at least she could see I was lovING. I cried because I felt present, here in dialogue with my friend who told me what I needed to hear when I most needed to hear it. She assured me that people know my heart. She assured me that people give money, time, opportunities, etc when it’s your time to receive it and when you make your claims known.

It is why everyday I apply for jobs and still do my best to keep thinking of new ways just to get my foot in the door at another institution. I know that when the time is right, the right person is going to see me, the me that I am right now, and everything will fall into place. Because I can recognize that just as I was somewhere else 18months ago, if I’m still living anything can happen in the next 18. I had to let go of old stories. Fears of what has happened before that may happen again, as if I didn’t survive it the first time.

I am not who I used to be. I feel so strong, and present and centered and most of all, I feel like love. I forgive myself for everything I did to survive the rough waters. I love myself for never giving up. I trust myself. I care for myself and I know I’m going to move forward in life with the intention of prioritizing my souls peace.

If it took me losing everything to learn what was most important, then it was well worth the journey. I’ve gotten over the “okay God, I’m ready for the come up” rush. I’m learning to enjoy where I am. In this moment, of survival but promise and of limited means but limitless faith.

And because I cannot afford pride, at the encouragement of my same friend I’m adding back my donation links to my posts. With the added message, that I understand that not everyone is able to financially give all the time or even some of the time. I do want anyone reading this to know, your sharing my posts and talking to me about my writing is equally as appreciated.

Jessica Williams, PhD is a storyteller with a commitment to intersectional social justice, authentic development, and the increase of leadership capacity. To book her for writing, coaching, facilitation or speaking engagements, visit: www.JessicaJamese.com

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