Let Yourself Be Lead

There was something about this piece that does not want to be written. I want to acknowledge the technological struggles. The nausea in my belly creeping up to my throat. 

The fact that squarespace did not want to load. 

The ache of anxiety gripping at my muscles telling me that even if you manage to successfully write this piece nobody will read it. I’m fighting through every hurdle mentioned and more just to get these words out of me. 

For a long time now, I’ve had the pervasive thought that I needed to abandon every idea that I had about what my journey to success was going to look like. Stop believing that it is hard. Stop believing that it is beyond your capacity. Stop believing that success of a certain level is rare and reserved. 

Sometimes I find myself in a place of painful insecurity. This isn’t rare for an artist. Finding ourselves so incapable of self-affirmation that we offer our expressions of the human experience up for the masses, begging our audience, in so many words, Please assure me I am worthy of belonging and love. 

Which is why it hurts so much when there is no audience. When there are no comments, no likes, no shares, no affirmation that your moment of naked honesty was seen, and no certainty that you are worthy. 

It is how I felt when i woke up this morning. Like the things I have done were not enough. That the things I want to do would never come to pass because I was not qualified or capable enough to make the happen. I was feeling sorry for myself and could not figure out why, but I began to grow sad and frustrated.

It was from this place of quiet desperation that I began to write. Nestled in the juxtaposition of wanting to be content knowing I had the courage to put myself out there, but also desperate to ignite a fire among readers that would catch, and spread. I think it was time that I made peace with that part of myself, that part of me that will look to be deemed significant by those outside my own mirror’s reflection. 

It was also from this place that I could acknowledge what the cards were telling me. I did a reading for myself, something I do not do particularly often, but I found myself shuffling my deck asking to be told, What do I need to know about how to move right now? How can I find peace in this discomfort? 

The need to control or be controlled comes from the lack of faith in life’s process. Self-worth and identity issues are at the root of this. You. Are. Sacred. Have you been seduced by what is beneath you, feeling you must manipulate others to get what you want? Now is the time to release the chaotic death grip, remember who you are and let Spirit take the reins of your life. 

My next card spoke to how everything I would become, I already am, and I need only to trust in my own process and my own becoming journey. 

It could not have been more plain; yes I was feeling an overwhelming sense of insecurity and yes, I was feeling desperate to feel worthy but no one and nothing outside of me could fix that for me. Having more money in my account, or more followers on Instagram could not and would not fix the emptiness of doubting my own divinity and trusting the timing of my life. 

I began to realize that I was putting a lot of hope into the success of my essay and affiliation with contributing to the anthology. I was using that opportunity as a means to leverage my talents out of higher education and into the space of wellness and empowerment coach and entrepreneur. I began to dream of a book deal that would lead to more writing opportunities, my film being developed, my workshops coming into fruition, a team that I got to lead and work with in bringing stories of shame resilience, intersectional oppression and liminal fortitude to the forefront to empower others at the margins. 

Energetically, I was welcoming everything big and telling the universe that I wanted it, I was ready for it. I had trained for the kind of professional life I wanted and I was ready to be given the opportunity. And to fully call myself out, I only wanted a BIG audience because I needed BIG affirmation. My ego was and can get so dire for applause and recognition that I create these awful narratives around expectation and entitlement. I am AMAZING , someone should be so lucky to want to hire me! Only, there isn’t anyone hiring you to do your own thing. What I had was a vision of the ways in which I could contribute and I was working my way backwards in an effort to figure out my next, best step.  Working my way backwards, also, out of a megalomaniac haze where I needed others to affirm what I should already know about myself.

I have to continue to trust that when the time arrives for action, I will know what to do. I need to continue to acknowledge these moments that threaten to consume me and derail me with thoughts that I am a fraud, or I am not good enough to provide the services I claim. Mostly, I have to continue to rely on the voice in my head that is quiet and sure. Certain among the chaotic mess of questions, the divinity within me always knows her place. If I can just take more moments in my day to recall her, I think the heavy wouldn’t overwhelm me so much.

I have to promise to tell myself the truth, facing my own fears head on and releasing myself from the shame of my humanity. There are times when I will fall waywardly off course, chasing recognition, credit, money, affection…all that I can ever hope for is that in these moments, I will never give up listening for that quiet voice and that ultimately I will let myself be lead back home to her.