All In
I did what I said I was never going to do again—resign from a position without another one secured. Granted, I was not expecting to quit my job. I was asked to resign for reasons I have hypothesized and agonized to death over for weeks now. Even though I know, ultimately, it was only a matter of time. I tell myself they did me a favor. Something I never would have had the guts to do on my own. Leap.
If on 7/3 I was pushed off the cliff, today is the day I decided that I was flying and NOT falling. I can’t change what happened. And spending time replaying it in my head only wastes energy that i could be devoting elsewhere. In the mornings, I wake up and try to meditate and journal before getting invested in my digital world. I tell myself, whatever it is I am craving is what I must need. So I allow it.
I have become a careful observer of my own being. Trying to get to the root of my thoughts and actions. Shifting the energy around those which no longer work in service of growth. Here are some of the lies I’ve been telling myself:
- In order to receive romantic love, I have to be_________ I won’t even bother finishing the sentence because it’s a lie anyway. The thing about unconditional love is, it happens without condition. That means no mtter what version of me I’m living, SHE is deserving of love.
- Other people are more successful than me because they have something I don’t. OOOOOHHHHHHHH Chile what a lie! Comparison is truly the thief of joy. I’ve learned to stop comparing my journey to others. To look at the things I have as blessings and the things I lack as unnecessary in this moment of my becoming. I work to see everything as an intentional part of my evolution as designed by the universe.
- It was a mistake to leave and I should start looking for a new job in higher education now. The biggest lie. When I tell you all that the emotional toil of being Young Gifted and Black in the Academy is heavy. These institutions were not designed for us. Their mission and vision, bylaws and board members were not created with US in mind. So my resignation wasn’t just about leaving that job. It was about rejecting a system that continually caused me to feel complicit in bullshit. The moral cost of my staying or going back is too high.
I work now to devise a plan for my coaching services. I write out ideas for art projects with social justice roots. I paint. I write. Some days I just daydream and allow myself to be unbound. I reassure myself that this, too, is work. I see the investment in myself as crucial to my role as a healer no matter if it’s in a blatant energetic capacity or whether I’m coaching someone through an admissions process. I need a good instrument. The best instrument. So self care is non-negotiable.
I take everything in and I try to breathe to calm the butterflies in my stomach. RENT shhhhhhhh CAR NOTE shhhhhh INSURANCE shhh you’ve got this. Do the work. One day at a time. One breath at a time.
I am changing. Shedding the skin of establishment and coming into my own as an entrepreneur. I’m learning my ethos. I know that when you take care of your people, your people will take care of your business. I’m practicing trust. Faith. Mentorship. I’m not making excuses instead I search for why I am looking to avoid. I am teaching myself about myself. Reading my own instruction manual so that when the time comes to be the Alchemist, I will always produce gold.