The Love You Make

If you asked me what my favorite thing about myself was, I would tell you it’s the way I Love. I might be a bit biased here, but I think I am excellent at loving people, showing them genuine care and most of all being incredibly considerate and thoughtful. I’m not going to just get you flowers, I’m going to get you a beautiful bouquet with your favorite colors that remind you of a memory that warmed your heart you mentioned once or twice. I am the friend who keeps in touch; who calls or texts to see how you are really doing. You get the picture. 

Recently though, I’ve been over this particular character trait. Last night as I was fighting sleep driving home late after helping out a friend, and I gave myself full permission to explore my exhaustion with love.  

I almost constantly feel depleted. I know I have not been doing the things that fill me (writing, yoga, hiking) with any real consistency. Part of that is due to the major inconsistencies in my life. I’m literally all over the place, geographically speaking, every week. I decided last night to stop and to reclaim my energy.  

After major professional and personal blows of 2018, I’d previously declared 2019 my year to be selfish. Last night, P2AD pointed out laughably that I’m the least selfish person he knows. I cringed, knowing he was right but that the time was ripe for me to begin to become more self centered and self serving.  

I checked in with my Person. “But it’s one of the things you love about yourself, you don’t want to change.” I told her she was right, and I could no longer continue to consider others at the expense of myself. So, I wasn’t changing how I Love I was simply changing who I gave it to. 

For me, I see it like this. I deserve the kind of love that I have to offer. I deserve someone who remembers the small, intimate details of my life. I deserve someone who listens. I deserve someone who is attentive and communicative. I deserve someone who remembers I need to eat. I deserve someone who remembers I love peach tea but not as much as cold, water. I deserve someone who cares about me becoming the best version of me regardless of what that means for them and their comfort. I’ve simply grown tired of waiting for anyone else to love me this way and so I’m giving it to myself.  

No one deserves me more than me. And I want anyone who might be interested in me to see how well I love myself and know they have to bring something real mother fucking special to the table if they’re planning to disturb this groove. 

I guess it seems rather simple to some, I’m going to love myself. But it’s more than that. It’s, I’m going to honor myself as though I were the love of my life. I’m going to cater to myself. I’m going to adorn and adore myself. For one simple reason: I deserve the love I have to give. 

And maybe that’s what’s been missing all along.