Old Sweet Song

"I always know when it's time to leave a place. It is like my whole body catches on fire; it's a feeling you can't ignore."

 

They were words an old friend told me six years ago when I was contemplating my cross-country move for graduate school. She was right, the feeling was undeniable. Then...I was in love, I was itching for unfamiliar space, I was anxious to grow and learn and attempt impossible things. I wanted my life in San Diego to be about maintaining peace. I planned to consistently practice yoga and meditate. I planned to dedicate just as much time to self-care as I did my studies. To that end, I can say that I succeeded.

And

The old familiar feeling has returned. The one that says It is time. Rushing home last-minute to help out in a family emergency, I found myself in receipt of care by virtue of being around so many loved ones. Even on the most overwhelming day--2 years since my sexual assault--I was held, and loved, and cared for. My body felt an ease that I had not known I was lacking. I could sleep without medicine. I could eat without medicine. I could cry and have a panic attack and not be a wreck the whole day because somebody is always there...here.

So, I am coming home. And because I believe so strongly in the signs I've been given, it will be soon. I plan to pack up the things I love the most and leave everything else behind, and on the anniversary of my very best friend's birth, March 15, I will leave San Diego. I will close the chapter of my life that has taught me who I am. I will leave friends and a love who have supported me through the most difficult times of my entire life. I will leave the ocean and cliffy coastal views, and seventy degree weather nearly every day. I will leave an academic community that taught me alchemy. I will leave my mentor who constantly pushes me to unfold, explore, and become. I will leave my students who have given me so much joy and confidence. I will leave it all, physically, but never will any of these experiences, places or people leave my heart. 

Still, there are far greater things ahead. I am ready to return and stand firmly in my being as I've been taught. I am ready to trust God even more and step out on faith. I am ready to say earnestly, I don't know what happens next. I am ready to fail, and win, and have my heart broken, and achieve, see my wildest dreams come to fruition and lose everything I thought I needed. I am doing what I learned the survivalists do; I am welcoming the unknown with people I can trust to love me no matter what. I am coming home. Ignorant to what the future holds I cling to words my Emma sent me. Important because, she also sent me the words that guided me to California and here she is guiding me back. 

I AM LEADING YOU, STEP BY STEP THROUGH YOUR LIFE. HOLD MY HAND IN TRUSTING DEPENDENCE, LETTING ME GUIDE YOU THROUGH THIS DAY. YOUR FUTURE LOOKS UNCERTAIN AND FEELS FLIMSY--EVEN PRECARIOUS. THAT IS HOW IT SHOULD BE. SECRET THINGS BELONG TO THE LORD, AND FUTURE THINGS ARE SECRET THINGS. WHEN YOU TRY TO FIGURE OUT THE FUTURE, YOU ARE GRASPING AT THINGS THAT ARE MINE. THIS, LIKE ALL FORMS OF WORRY, IS AN ACT OF REBELLION: DOUBTING MY PROMISES TO CARE FOR YOU. 

WHENEVER YOU FIND YOURSELF WORRYING ABOUT THE FUTURE, REPENT AND RETURN TO ME. I WILL SHOW YOU THE NEXT STEP FORWARD, AND THE ONE AFTER THAT, AND THE ONE AFTER THAT. RELAX AND ENJOY THE JOURNEY IN MY PRESENCE, TRUSTING ME TO OPEN UP THE WAY BEFORE YOU AS YOU GO.