I Quit
Today, I quit my job. At least I did in my head. In actuality, I simply gave myself a date. An arbitrary date set in the not-so-distant future where I would submit a resignation letter. A date by which I would have fully worked out at least a rough draft of how I was going to survive the next 365 days. Even though truthfully, plans aren't really my style. It was just a list of countries:
- Peru
- New Zealand
- Tanzania
- Croatia
- Brazil
- Cuba
And a list of things I wanted to do:
- Talk to women
- Learn indigenous spirituality
- learn indigenous medicine and healing
- become a doula
- make art
- document everything
I remember around the time of my doctoral graduation, people began inquiring about what I wanted to do next. My heart leapt to answer, "I am taking a year to create, and make a documentary all about one year dedicated to the creative process." I knew it then. I knew that a documentary was calling to me. That travel, and not just any kind of travel but, je voudrais flâner. After 5 years in a doctoral program, 2 years in my Masters--these 7 years coming back to back with no break, I was exhausted. I was tired of people telling me what to learn and how to present my findings. How to communicate knowledge; and the ways in which I learned, while valuable--were so counter to my own ways. I needed desperately to earn my own PhD-so-to-speak. I didn't want to abandon my current life and life choices, lessons and models; but I wanted to stretch it further than it had ever been stretched before to include MORE of what felt natural to me.
I wanted to L I V E. I want to. So, I quit my job. Again, in my head. But immediately, I felt a sense of relief. I knew that the gleeful presence of my fictional "release date" only served as a sign that I was making the right choice.
I didn't care to discuss the details with my best friends, which is something I typically do. My mind was and is made up. I read yesterday that the only thing holding you back is the belief that there is something holding you back. I figure, if I truly believe in my talents, and that my personality will work to serve my purpose, all while the universe creates the space for my becoming...if I truly believe that then why should I hesitate? Why be anxious or nervous or anything other than excited?
I have this theory that we are all here simply to be ourselves. Whatever that is. Because only in being you can you contribute something special to the world. Otherwise, you're just producing more of the same. So, I owe it to the world to be me. And who am I?
I am the woman who is not afraid to take a chance on herself.
I am the woman who is not afraid to leap.
I am the woman who believes that since God dwells within me as me, I cannot fail.
The more I think about it, the warmer my skin feels. The more at peace. The gentler the waters within me calmly flow about. It is a quiet somatic nod that yes, this is it. If you dreamed it, then you must have everything you need to birth it; to make it manifest.
I quit. Now, it's time to live.